Struggling with Despair

***Dear Family and Friends, the topics of suicide and despair have been weighing on my heart, so I felt motivated to write about it. The purpose of this post is to bring awareness to those who struggle, open the door for conversation, show how I have struggled, and to urge those struggling to seek help.***

Suicide is an irrational act. When one is rational s/he can see that suicide is not the answer or even a viable option. Committing suicide is like the ripples left by a rock dropped in a lake. The waves continue to ripple long after the stone has dropped leaving an everlasting effect on those left behind.

I can think of several times when not existing seemed preferable. I was overwhelmed with grief at the loss of our second child. Right after we learned of Ava’s death, living did not seem preferable. Why live when my child could not live? I talked to my husband who tried to understand but didn’t. He listened. Thankfully prayer got me through the night.

Losing Ava was very difficult. I just knew that pregnancy was going to be different from our first. I thought this meant we would meet our child. We saw her little body. We heard her weak heartbeat. We lost her. When Ava died her death set off a bomb of anger, depression, frustration, and loss. It took me months to regain semi-normalcy.

The second time I found myself in deep despair was several weeks after we lost Eve. School was done. We had spent the previous day traveling. I was exhausted, drained, and not at home. My husband was running an errand, and I was alone. I felt like I had been dropped into a chasm and left to be swallowed by the darkness. Thankfully a friend had texted and asked how I was doing. During the course of our conversation, we decided to be exercise accountability partners. I felt like I had a goal to strive for. Immediately following our conversation I got started and did yoga. It felt good to be engaged in a meaningful activity.

Grief can cause deep despair. In my despair I just wanted the pain to go away. I had thoughts of wanting to go away. To not exist. To not feel…pain...loss…loneliness. However, letting one’s grief or despair go unchecked can lead to suicidal thoughts or tendencies. While I struggle with my grief I know that my God, my family, my friends, and my counselor are available to talk and help.

Even though suicide is a taboo topic, we should be able to talk about it. People struggle and need help. If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Don’t wait. Call and talk about it. Your life is worth saving.

P.S. It is ok if you struggle/are struggling, and it is ok to get help.