Thank You

Dear Friends & Family,

Thank you for joining me on this part of my journey. My blog has served its purpose: writing about grief, working through grief, adding a missing element: exercise, and moving on. I love my children and look forward to meeting them soon. I am also looking forward to what else God has in store for us. Thank you for the being my listening ear, friend, and cheerleader.

Sincerely,

Rebecca

Knowing What to Say

Loss, in general, is hard. When someone is grieving a loss, the right words seem to be missing in action. When someone has a miscarriage, knowing what to say is still a struggle. Maybe even more so. Many people want to convey sympathy, offer comfort, and offer solutions.

According to Coach there is no right thing to say. You are darned if you say something, and darned if you don’t. Losing a child prematurely is such a struggle that the depression and sensitivity were extreme for me. I was offended when people offered suggestions and sympathy at the same time. I was offended when people said the wrong thing. I was offended when people said nothing. My loss felt so great that it was difficult to console me.

Now, as I am on the other side of extreme grief, I am able to see consolation in a different light. Some people have no idea what to say (or what not to say), but they just want to console. Other people want to help, so they suggest adoption. Some people share their story, so the griever can know they are not alone and that they can get through it. In the midst of my grief I did not want advice or even to know there was another side. I just wanted to grieve…and wallow in self-pity.

What parents who have miscarried and are grieving should know is that they are not alone. This loss has been felt by others before. As Mum points out many people who share their story want the grieving to know they made it to the other side. There is another side; there is an end to extreme grief.

Knowing what to say is hard, but I want to believe that most people just want to help. I know there are malicious insensitive people, but I choose to hold onto the good. The next time I am comforted, I will choose to see the best in people.

Achieving the Dream

I know when I started this journey I wanted to win American Ninja Warrior. Honestly what I really wanted was to stop feeling the pain of losing my babies. The pain will never vanish completely, but the bottomless pit of despair will disintegrate, has disintegrated.

I’m living the dream. I hit rock bottom, and I picked myself up. Exercise has now become a regular part of my life. Work and my personal life have good boundaries. Coach and I are able to spend quality time together. Despite my busy schedule I am able to find time to wonder through different worlds via reading. I am attempting to have a good attitude, which colors the world a nice shade of joy. Lastly, I am able to look back and see God’s protection and faithfulness.

A Thankful Heart

1. I am thankful for our tragedy.  No, I am not glad we lost three children, but I am glad I can see the other side of tragedy. I do not know if God will grant us a family, but I know that He is with us every step of the way. It also brought me closer to God. This tragedy has made me pick myself up. I am no longer focusing on obsessing over starting a family. I am focusing on Coach and I and the present.
2. I am thankful for my husband. Marrying my husband was one of the best days of my life. He is kind and caring. He helps me be a better person by calling me on my BS and by setting a good example. He perseveres in the face of adversity. He does not let his limitations stop him. Lastly, God gave me my soul-mate and best friend, someone to walk through life together. What else could I ask for?
3. I am thankful for the gym. Perseverance is the most important lesson I have learned from going to the gym. Sometimes the exercises are difficult or I don’t want to participate. Rather than wimping out I am learning the importance of persevering through those challenges. As a result I am seeing progress both in my body and in conquering/making progress on the obstacles and exercise.

As we enter the holiday season, I challenge you to count your blessings daily (at least three), thank God, and once a week tell one person why you are grateful for him or her. 

The Blessing of Baptism

Several Sundays ago daughter number three of the Smith* family was baptized. Daughter number two did not like how she was being held, so she started crying. Daughter number one was standing and smiling. Mom and Dad were distracted with Daughter number two’s cries. Our pastor was doing his best to maintain the parents’ attention. While the scene was comical, frustrating, or both, it does not negate the importance of baptism. Daughter number three was baptized into the church. Her parents have promised to raise her in a Christian household. They hope for her faith in Christ to blossom soon.

While in my seat I was thinking about the Smith family. They have endured many hardships which include multiple miscarriages, failed adoption, and difficult pregnancies. Yet, God fulfilled their desire to have a family. He blessed them with three little girls. My heart swelled with the knowledge that God is good and will fulfill the desires of our hearts. Participating in this baptism made me realize that God will fulfill our desires to have a family too.

*Name Changed

The Warped Wall

The Warped Wall or the Wall of Death as Kristie refers to it is not as daunting as it used to be. My gym’s wall is steeper than the one on the show and has spaces to grab at 10ft, 11ft, 12ft, 13ft, and 14ft. (The Warped Wall is 14ft high on the show.) Once I have grabbed 10ft with my right hand. I am working on conquering the 10ft wall. I am making progress and hope to soon conquer the 10 footer!