***Dear
Family and Friends, the topics of suicide and despair have been weighing on my
heart, so I felt motivated to write about it. The purpose of this post is to
bring awareness to those who struggle, open the door for conversation, show how
I have struggled, and to urge those struggling to seek help.***
Suicide is an irrational act. When
one is rational s/he can see that suicide is not the answer or even a viable
option. Committing suicide is like the ripples left by a rock dropped in a
lake. The waves continue to ripple long after the stone has dropped leaving an
everlasting effect on those left behind.
I can think of several times when not
existing seemed preferable. I was overwhelmed with grief at the loss of our
second child. Right after we learned of Ava’s death, living did not seem
preferable. Why live when my child could not live? I talked to my husband who
tried to understand but didn’t. He listened. Thankfully prayer got me through
the night.
Losing Ava was very difficult. I
just knew that pregnancy was going to be different from our first. I thought
this meant we would meet our child. We saw her little body. We heard her weak
heartbeat. We lost her. When Ava died her death set off a bomb of anger,
depression, frustration, and loss. It took me months to regain semi-normalcy.
The second time I found myself in
deep despair was several weeks after we lost Eve. School was done. We had spent
the previous day traveling. I was exhausted, drained, and not at home. My
husband was running an errand, and I was alone. I felt like I had been dropped
into a chasm and left to be swallowed by the darkness. Thankfully a friend had
texted and asked how I was doing. During the course of our conversation, we
decided to be exercise accountability partners. I felt like I had a goal to
strive for. Immediately following our conversation I got started and did yoga.
It felt good to be engaged in a meaningful activity.
Grief can cause deep despair. In my
despair I just wanted the pain to go away. I had thoughts of wanting to go
away. To not exist. To not feel…pain...loss…loneliness. However, letting one’s
grief or despair go unchecked can lead to suicidal thoughts or tendencies.
While I struggle with my grief I know that my God, my family, my friends, and
my counselor are available to talk and help.
Even though suicide is a taboo
topic, we should be able to talk about it. People struggle and need help. If
you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, please call the National
Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. Don’t wait. Call and talk about
it. Your life is worth saving.
P.S. It is ok if you struggle/are struggling, and it is ok
to get help.
